"The only news you can trust"
Volume 12 Issue 8
100% pure malice
"NEW TOOLS FOR A NEW BRITAIN"
Labour's new tool box
The BOOT lifts the lid.
As Labour seek to rebuild their shattered reputation after another cataclysmic election defeat so their hopes are pinned (among others) on Sir IKEA Starmer a well respected socialist bodger.
If successful he'll be charged with rebuilding the cabinet that housed the 'wildly popular policies' and so hilariously fell to pieces under the fingers and thumbs of odd-job man Jerry Corbyn - an incompetent carpenter who threw away the instruction manual before even unwrapping the box.
"In effect ' says, Starmer 'I want to take those 'wildly popular policies' and re-house them in a brand new flat pack cabinet that reflects all the values of our brand new but essentially traditional approach to the wonders of yesterdays socialism.
Bunter the Banker speaks his mind:
New cabinet, new leader, new suit and fancy hair-do. Vote for me and we won't be back in power until the ninteen thirties."
I say, chaps, it's bottoms up all round as that bounder Boris and his merry team of dreamers dance us into the 'roaring twenties' with promises of milk and money for all.
I expect you blighters can't wait to get your supermarket trollies out and start filling up at Lidl or Aldi.
Rumour has it that real American burgers, containing 12% real beef, will be going for a song and they'll be giving away chlorinated chicken.
Of course, for us chaps, (not you chaps) it won't make a great deal of difference except to our bonus's which are sure to break all previous records now we have cast iron assurances that the UK will be rebuilding it's glorious empire now we're going to be free from that wretched drag on our economy, the European Union.
So, cheer up you rotters, we're on a roll just as long as we don't hit the rocks first.
YOUR CELEBRITY WEATHER FORECAST
"The sun has got his hat on hip a hip hooray. Happy days are here again."
It's bouncing Boris Johnson
More Tools - page 2
Poetic Licence - sizzling page 3
An ill wind - The Vegan Pongologues page 4
Your Letters -page 5
A Gender Crisis - a kIck in the head - page 6
Meghan and Harry quit the band - Boot up the volume page 7
Help save the world - page 9
...And more...much more
Atten-shun on page 8