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Volume 12 Issue 2

The Boot

100% pure malice

A sneak peak at the new James Bond script as maybe written by Phoebe Waller-Bridge in accordance with instructions issued by Madame Broccoli to re-imagine the Bond girls as real women.

Another BOOT Exclusive:

<Opening scene>


Bond, lying next to India his partner. is woken up by a phone call from Lady M, his boss.

Lady M; James, get down here now, F.E.M.I have stolen all the wind farm protocols and have threatened to black-out half of Blackpool.

Bond: On my way m'am.

India (waking): What fucking time do you call this?

India watches Bond dressing.

India: You're not going out again are you? You're never in.

Bond: Work.

India: Not in those clothes I hope. Wear a cardigan at least, it's cold. 

Bond: Where's my gun?

India: I've put it into the recycling unit...turn it into something useful.

Bond: Shoes?

India: They're leather, James, they're in the bin. I've bought you some etically sourced trainers instead...and do your flys up, you look ridiculous.

Bond: Car keys?

India: You're not taking the car, walk it's better for the environment and while you're about it pop into Mister Gupta's, the chemist on the corner and pick me up a box of Tampax and something for my period pains , they're shocking this morning.

Bond leans over to give India a kiss.

India: Phew...have you been drinkingt? I'm telling you, that's got to stop...and don't come back tonight all covered in blood and stinking of Martini or I'll be stirred and you'll be shaken,...fuckin' men...useless!

Cut to Lady M's office...MI6 HQ...enter Bond, out of breath carrying a bag from, Mr Gupta.


Lady M: What kept you, James?

Bond waggles the bag

Bond: Period pains.

Lady M: Well, you're too late, I've put Moneypenny on the case. She's more of a man than you'll ever be.

Bond: Sorry m'am

Lady M. I'm putting you on admin Bond and don't eat all the biscuits you're already pounds over weight for a secret agent.

Bond: Very good M'am.

Cut to Miss Moneypenny strapping on a shoulder holster and picking up car keys. She winks at the camera and exits.

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