"The only news you can trust"
Volume 12 Issue 1
100% pure malice
BOOT UP THE VOLUME
Good times, groovers.
The Maj has been booked to play The Eurovision Song Contest this year...wowzer...that's going to put a lot of mediocre talent to shame.
The really good news is that the demented old slapper is only going to sing two songs. One of her old hits, which no one probably remembers and a new song which will be instantly forgettable.
I've never been so excited except when I heard that another demented old loon, Babs, is going to play Hyde Park. I hear gentlemen of a certain persuasion are already hanging around the entrance prepared to do anything for a ticket.
I shall of course be joining them to bring you all the front row news as it happens.
It's going to be a blistering Spring and Summer guys and girls and I can't wait to get stuck in.
Rumour has it that the 'Beyonce of Politics' could be headlining the next Glastonbury along with Kyley, Miley and Macca. AOC, as she is known, fresh out of Hooters has been wowing American politics with her green new deal.
This cute, curvy and clueless creation with eyes of a Toy Story dolly has cornered the 'woke' market with her magnificent vision for a world without cars, planes, cows or Coca Cola...and all within ten years.
Already hailed in America as the most inflential donut since Krispi-Kremes, this modern day Prometheus of progressive economics will be bringing her radical solution to global warming to one of the many stages during the festival, with the proviso of course that it's not too cold or wet to speak without an anorak.
She's sure to go down a storm with the right-on revellers, at the now plastc free festival, as they cup their hands to drink beer or rainwater and roast their quornburgers over smouldering campfires while listening to the plastic music of Kylie and friends.
Gaylord's hot tip
Drill- a fab new direction for Boyzone
Babs, Krispi-Kreme tour to hit Hyde Park
Still shaking up a storm at Saga
The life of Plants - the brill new biog from Bob